Have you finally orgasmed yet?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
