What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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