i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
