Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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