No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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