Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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