I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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