i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
