I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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