I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
