Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
