I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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