Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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