I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
