I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
