i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
