I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
