Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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