a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
