apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
