my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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