i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Can you bring me the toilet please
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
