My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
