What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I need to stop coming to work sober
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
