I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
