you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
