why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
