fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
