Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
