Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
