Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
