wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
