i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
