I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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