Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
