saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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