If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
