it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
