Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
