Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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