oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
