tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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