True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
