1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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