FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
