The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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