How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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