I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
