I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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