This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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