i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
