somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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