He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
