where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My dick has a subreddit
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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