no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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